I guess I don’t know where to start writing from here. I have yet to figure out what I’m comfortable sharing concerning the loss of our baby, what’s relevant and what’s personal. This last week has been a painful growing experience, so much of my heart has been exposed as the Lord continues to reveal his goodness to me. These emotions after miscarriage are no joke.
I’ve been writing more than I have in quite a while; I write my thoughts. I write my prayers. And I write my memories.
I write for me.
It’s been good therapy for me to get my thoughts and feelings out on paper, where they won’t be judged by anyone. But by the time I’m done I’m usually emotionally spent and my computer has gone days without so much as being opened.
Your words of support, your prayers for me and my family, they mean the world to me. God has used so many women over the last week to minister to me, to teach me more about Him and His everlasting love than I’ve known before.
We grieve, but there is also joy in knowing that I will one day be able to hug my little one and he will give me a tour of heaven.
We grieve, but there is comfort in the fact that he is safe – in a world free of pain and sorrow – doing what we are all made to do, worship our Creator.
And we grieve, but there is peace knowing that I will never have to pray for his salvation, knowing full well he is already with the Lord.
But this awkward spot, after letting others know our baby has passed away. How do I start the next conversation? How do I deal with the fact that they seem like they want to say something but don’t? How do I go from talking about my pregnancy and future plans to talking about a baby that has died?
How do I answer the small talk questions now?
“How am I feeling?” Sometimes that answer would be lonely, sad, empty. But will that freak people out?
“How many kids do you have?” If I answer correctly and mention the baby we lost, will they ask stupid questions? If I answer with only our earthly children, will it break my heart that I left the baby out?
“What are you doing next week?” Do I say I’m probably staying home and eating a gallon of ice cream as I work my way through what was supposed to be my due date?
There seems to be no easy answers and I feel like this sad awkwardness may last for some time yet.
I guess that’s to be expected, but then again how would I know what to expect since this has never happened? I wish it was easier.
If you’re in this weird spot too, I’m so sorry. Just know that you are not alone. <3
Donielle Baker
Oh Donielle. Again, I am so sorry. That post brought tears to my eyes.
Donielle I am so so sorry. I mourn with you, and yet also rejoice, knowing our little ones who have gone before us WILL meet with us in His time. Hugs and prayers, dear sister.
Donielle, My heart breaks for you. I have 3 babies in heaven and I am looking forward to the day when I can be there to be their mother. I know this time of grief is difficult but through Him I pray that you find strength and peace. My you rise up with wings like eagles. Isa. 40:31. My prayers are with you and your family. Hugs to you.
Chills. And tears. One of the most beautiful things I have read in a long time. I pray that if I ever have to lose a child, God will give me the peace and wisdom he has blessed you with to see that he causes all things to work together for good. Bless you, Donielle. Thank you for sharing your heart.
Continuing to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I have 3 little ones in heaven, so I do understand the pain you are feeling. May the Lord give you strength and peace.
Hi Donielle,
Long time lurker here. Really enjoy your blog. I’m sorry to hear of your loss, and will pray for you. I know that you will continue to be comforted by Our Savior’s hand.
God bless,
Meg Logan
Donielle, there is no pain like losing a child. I miscarried our son very early and we are now adopting. But that pain and emptiness took a long time to get through. God is good and God is faithful. You know this and I’m thankful that you are experiencing His grace at this time. Keep resting in His arms for it’s all we truly have.
Donielle,
I don’t know anything near the pain of your loss, but I’m definitely sending thoughts and prayers your way!
“With the Saints give rest, O Christ, to the soul of Your servant where there is no pain, nor sorrow, nor suffering, but life everlasting.”
Praying for you still.
Donielle,
I am so very sorry to hear of your loss, but it sounds as if you are doing exactly what’s needed, bathing in God’s love. When I lost two of my children, I didn’t understand that they were real people with spirits given by their Creator. I felt the grief and loss and felt crazy for feeling it. Years later, when I came to know Jesus, I also came to understand the truth about the unborn child. It wasn’t until then that I fully grieved…at their loss of life, at my loss of them, and then rejoiced, as you are, that they were already with Him in the best place they could possibly be.
Over the years, as my other children have grown, and I’ve had to watch them endure the struggles of this world, I have often remembered our other 2 babies and thanked God for letting them bypass those troubles. Not that life isn’t a wonderful gift because it most definitely is…but to be absent from these bodies is to be present with our Savior…how much more wonderful can anything be?
I know these are a lot of words and maybe right now, not worth much to you, but please know that even if we can’t touch you, we are with you in spirit. I pray you find peace and comfort in knowing that and in the knowledge you already have, that Jesus is surely with those whose hearts are breaking. ~Cindy
I’m so very sorry, Donielle, and I’m not sure there is much that is harder to go through 🙁 Stay strong, though, and I’m glad to hear that you’ve had so much wonderful support.
I found my miscarriage such a difficult loss to find peace with, but I’ve now come to accept that God must have called our first baby for a very good reason, on Christmas day last year no less. You will most definitely be in my prayers during this rough time.
I remember our first loss, and I know what you mean by God revealing Himself to you… and I pray that there is comfort in His love. The truth that He revealed to me is that He never changes… that my pain and sorrow do not change these facts:
God is love… always caring for EACH of His children… which means my baby (in the arms of Jesus) and also MYSELF.
God is good… this did not happen for any reason except that Jesus has not yet returned to heal the world of pain and sorrow.
God is faithful… He will never leave the side of a grieving person who calls out to him.
May God be your Lover now… creating and fostering a deeper relationship with you that allows you to bask in His glory and peace.
I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s a pain I know too well. Sending up a prayer for you and your family today.
I’m so sorry for your loss. As a mother who lost her first baby, I know somewhat what you are going through. If our child had lived, he would be 42 years old. All through the years I’ve rejoiced in the fact that he did not have to go through any of the hard times. He was in Heaven being loved on by our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Praise God.
Our angel came unexpectedly on 12/30/12 at 18w/4d and I am doing all I can not to just scream at the top of my lungs. I believe that God’s will is perfect. But, it hurts beyond words. We had just learned on 12/26 that he was the perfect little boy that my husband had been praying for. And just like that, he was gone. There was no fluid around him and though his heartbeat was strong and he moved inside of me for hours after the Dr told me we would lose him, my body just couldn’t keep him. This pain is like nothing I’ve ever felt. And yet, I’m not able to grieve fully because I feel like I have to be strong for my husband as he’s now questioning God and is just so angry. He’s not able to give me any comfort and is so angry. I am writing here not because I expect anything from you, this is just my silent scream because I can’t let out the loud scream inside of me. Thank you for allowing God to use you to tell your story and create the space for others to do the same. May the God of healing continue to heal you and your family.
@Nakeia, Oh Nakeia, I’m so very, very sorry for your loss! Living in a fallen world where death and pain are present can be a very painful thing indeed. I pray for you, and your husband. It’s so hard not to question our beliefs during times like this, but I pray that you both find comfort and know that He’s here to provide comfort and help you grow in spite of any crappy situation we’re in.
Have you ever read the book “I Will Carry You” by Angie Smith? It’s a phenomenal read. I’d also recommend “Pain Redeemed” by Natasha Metzler (you can find both on Amazon).
Praying for you today. Right now.