I guess I don’t know where to start writing from here. I have yet to figure out what I’m comfortable sharing concerning the loss of our baby, what’s relevant and what’s personal. This last week has been a painful growing experience, so much of my heart has been exposed as the Lord continues to reveal his goodness to me. These emotions after miscarriage are no joke.
I’ve been writing more than I have in quite a while; I write my thoughts. I write my prayers. And I write my memories.
I write for me.
It’s been good therapy for me to get my thoughts and feelings out on paper, where they won’t be judged by anyone. But by the time I’m done I’m usually emotionally spent and my computer has gone days without so much as being opened.
Your words of support, your prayers for me and my family, they mean the world to me. God has used so many women over the last week to minister to me, to teach me more about Him and His everlasting love than I’ve known before.
We grieve, but there is also joy in knowing that I will one day be able to hug my little one and he will give me a tour of heaven.
We grieve, but there is comfort in the fact that he is safe – in a world free of pain and sorrow – doing what we are all made to do, worship our Creator.
And we grieve, but there is peace knowing that I will never have to pray for his salvation, knowing full well he is already with the Lord.
But this awkward spot, after letting others know our baby has passed away. How do I start the next conversation? How do I deal with the fact that they seem like they want to say something but don’t? How do I go from talking about my pregnancy and future plans to talking about a baby that has died?
How do I answer the small talk questions now?
“How am I feeling?” Sometimes that answer would be lonely, sad, empty. But will that freak people out?
“How many kids do you have?” If I answer correctly and mention the baby we lost, will they ask stupid questions? If I answer with only our earthly children, will it break my heart that I left the baby out?
“What are you doing next week?” Do I say I’m probably staying home and eating a gallon of ice cream as I work my way through what was supposed to be my due date?
There seems to be no easy answers and I feel like this sad awkwardness may last for some time yet.
I guess that’s to be expected, but then again how would I know what to expect since this has never happened? I wish it was easier.
If you’re in this weird spot too, I’m so sorry. Just know that you are not alone. <3