Last Thursday we met with a local midwife who attends births for women desiring to have a homebirth, the thought of such was exciting as we truly began preparing for our little one to join our family.
I spent a day last week cleaning out my closet not only of summer clothes, but the clothes I knew wouldn’t fit for months and months to come. I washed and hung all of my maternity clothes, searched the barn to make sure I knew where the newborn clothes were so I could grab them easily next spring.
I began counting down the days until we could find out the sex. I loved watching my belly begin to grow.
And then it all changed.
While the midwife didn’t hear a heartbeat on Thursday, I tried not to worry. It was still early enough where that’s considered normal – we were only 9 weeks past conception (technically considered 11 weeks along). But on Saturday morning when the spotting began, I just knew.
Sunday morning when the bleeding wasn’t stopping, my husband took me to the ER to see what was going on – the worry was becoming all consuming.
We spent what seemed like forever waiting, and by the time the ultrasound tech came in, she couldn’t hurry fast enough for me. She asked if I wanted to watch (of course!) and informed me that because she wasn’t the doc, she couldn’t tell me anything. When the screen lit up and I saw my baby for the first time I was ecstatic to see that little life… until just moments later I realized baby wasn’t moving, and there was no heart beat.
I think my own heart may have stopped in that moment as time stood still and the silence was deafening.
The ultrasound seemed to take an eternity, for which I am grateful – I knew it was going to be the only time I’d be able to see him this side of heaven. The image of my baby is now etched deep inside my heart, although it feels like it’s burst into a million pieces. I know in my head that one day I’ll be ok, but right now I definitely am not.
My Heavenly Father now carries my little one in his arms just as he carries us through our grief.
Donielle Baker
Sending MUCH love and healing light to you and your family. (((hugs)))
Donielle, I’m so sorry. I’m crying right now and just praying that His comfort will get you through this time. Sending you so many hugs.
diana
Much love Donielle during this time of grief and healing!!!!! Please take care of yourself and if there is anything at all.
I am sooo sorry. I will keep you all in my prayers! HUGS!!!
I am so sorry for your loss. I just prayed for you right now and I’ll keep doing so
I’m so sorry! Hugs!
Donielle, I am so very sorry for your loss. I’m praying for you.
I sorrow with you at the loss of your little one. I have a total of 3 babies in the Father’s arms and comfort myself with the thought that they never had to suffer on earth before they got to see heaven. Lucky them. We are left to grieve while they glory in the Father.
I’m so sorry, Donielle. Sending my love, hugs and best wishes.
I am so sorry. I don’t even know you personally, and yet I have tears streaming down my face. I am so sorry. May the Lord be with you as you grieve the loss of your child 🙁
My heart is breaking for you and your family. I know the pain of miscarriage, having 4 little ones now with Jesus. May the Lord sustain you during this sorrowful time. If you have a few minutes, I have blogged about my journey with quotes that have ministered comfort to me and helped me. Maybe it would bless you as well. http://www.amothersheritage.com/miscarriage/
May our Savior hold you tenderly through this trial.
Oh sweetie! Such terrible news 🙁 Our thoughts and of course prayers are with you and your family.
Donielle, I am so, so sorry for your loss. Like many other women, I know your pain. Many blessings to you & wishing you the Lord’s love & light during this time.
Donielle, I’m so sorry. Your post brought me to tears. I’ve been where you are twice and I truly am so sorry for you. God will comfort you and only He can.
I have a necklace with all of my babies birthstones on it. All 6. Not just the 4 I have here on earth. They are all my babies and always will be. I love to think that I have 6 children because God gave them to me too…all of them. God is good!
Donielle, I am so sorry for your loss, but what a blessing to know that your sweet precious child is with the LORD ALMIGHTY and one day you will be able to meet this precious child of yours and sing praises to Our Mighty Savior together! Much love to you and your family! You are in my prayers! Love and prayers, Kelly
I’m so sorry to hear this. I am praying for you and your family.
I’m so sorry, Donielle. I know there are no words now, but I will pray for your family’s healing.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I know from experience there is nothing that can be said or done to make you feel better but I’m hoping and praying the days and weeks to come will be better for you.
Donelle, I am so sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my prayers.
Oh Donielle, My heart is heavy for you. A couple in our small group at church just lost their little one as well. Same age. 9 weeks old. I am so sorry. We will be praying for you. Let me know if you need anything.
You Tube “Your Hands” by JJ Heller. This song carried me through so many trials and grief – including the loss of our little one in heaven. Praying you receive comfort through this hard time!
I am very, very, very sorry that you too are going through such a horrific experience. I am sending you a big hug. I’ve been there, and reading your story has brought tears to my eyes. I was 9 weeks and 6 days along, and we had been ttc for 8 years. It was 2 years ago and I pray everyday that I do not become bitter by this since I have never been able to concieve again. 🙁
I rest in God’s grace, though, and that fact that our babies are in heaven’s nursery. I think about that so often.
The first thing I said to myself and my husband that night on our way home from the hospital was that “no matter what happens, God still sits on His throne and His reign is everlasting. In everything I will give You thanks. You give and You take away. Help me, oh God, to see Your mighty hand work in my life. Whatever You are doing, glorify Yourself. I might not need to undestand why You took my baby into Your presence before I ever met him/her. But, please help me to live as you have me now, no babies. Be content and complete in You, though my Lord Jesus. I am Your child.”
Donielle, I know you are God’s child. You have acknowledged Him whereever I read from you. He’s directing your path. Our life in His loving hands, and literaly, your little one is His hands. I pray that His boundless peace will overflow in your and family’s heart. I will be praying for you!
Islem
I’m just so sorry and so thankful you had that time to see your babe this side of Heaven. Have you read Heaven is for Real? If not, you’ll find it especially sweet. I’d be happy to send you my copy if you’d like to read it sometime.
I am so sorry for you loss, Donielle. I lost a little one about as old as yours a few years ago. You never forget andnever stop loving that baby, but I hope that you and your family will find all the comfort and support you need at this time. HUGS
Oh Donielle. I am so sorry to hear about this. What a tragic loss and I know words cannot express what you’re going though. I am glad that you got to spend those few minutes with your baby, even under such horrible circumstances. I pray that you find comfort in your family and friends as you heal. Hugs to you!
I’m trying not to weep as I type this. I’m so sorry for your loss, and so grateful that you know your child is safe with our Dear Father.
May your family draw close together, may you be blessed and encouraged by those who love you, and may you continually remember the Truth about who God is, how He works, and how very much He loves you.
Praying for our Father to bring healing and peace to you and your family.
I’m sorry for your loss. The same thing happened to me two years ago. After 4 healthy homebirthed children, this was a surprise pregnancy. I had an IUD but I was so darn healthy and fertile from my exercise routine and paleo diet that I conceived anyway.
Just like you, at my first midwife appointment at 12 weeks, we heard no heartbeat. I tried not to freak out, but we got the bad news at the ultrasound appointment a few hours later. Had to have a D&C. I truly felt your sorrow when you wrote of seeing your baby for the only time in that ultrasound screen.
I wish you a supported, loving healing and a return to fertility.
I am so very sorry, Donielle! Our thoughts and prayers are with you.
Praying for you. So sorry.
Sonorous, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I share your pain and send you love and Light. We were blessed to have our daughter, Sarah Grace with us for 10 days before she returned to heaven. I wish you ease and peace in the days to come. My best, Monica
There are no words.
As I read this tears came to my eyes. You will be in my prayers.
My prayers are with you. We, your readers, are here to walk with you as you grieve and process or to support you if you need to take a break from writing.
Oooooh, {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Donielle}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}. I am so so so so sorry to hear this. Praying for you.
I’m hurting for you today, Donielle. About 3 weeks ago we miscarried our second son at 18 weeks. You’re not alone in your sorrow.
I am so sorry and putting you and your family into my prayers.
I truly cannot even imagine the heartache that you are feeling. I know that there are just no words. Please know that you and your family are in my prayers during this time. Much love to you!
So sorry for your dear heart…
Oh Donielle, I am so sorry. I don’t know what do say, other than I know that God will carry you through this time and give you and your family peace that surpasses our own understanding. {Hugs}
Dear Donielle, I will be praying for you and your family also. It is a hard time. it seems that you have a strong support group of friends and family, let them love on you. While you are not alone in your experience, your pain is real and very much yours. Allow your feelings to be there, and cover your mind in truth, as you are able. Much peace to you!
I’m so sorry for your loss, will be praying for you and yours.
I’m praying for you and I’m so sorry.
I’m sorry…
I know there is nothing I, or anyone else, can say to change your circumstances. God promises in His word that ALL things work together for good to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. If you live your life the way you write on this blog, I know that you love the Lord and seek to honor Him. If nothing else, you will be able to minister to others who are dealing with the same heartache. I am praying for your family as you grieve for your unborn child. Though you knew nothing about this child, God does and deeply loves him/her.
Lifting you and your family up…
Hi Donielle,
I just had a 9 weeks miscarrage the of jully so I totally understand !
Rest and try again in some weeks and notice that is maybe better to have a full healthy baby !
Love
Martine
Adding my thoughts and prayers to your family.
So very sorry for your loss! May God give you peace that passes all understanding during this difficult journey.
I just found your blog and this is the first post I have read. I am so truly truly sorry. I had my 5th miscarriage this month on October 14th the day before the anniversary of losing my first little baby to Heaven. It is so difficult to walk through but I am so thankful that we have the Hope of seeing out littles someday. Hugs and Prayers to you. I look forward to getting to know you better and reading more here on your blog.
I’m so sorry. I just miscarried about 6 weeks ago. There really aren’t words. Sending good thoughts your way.
Donielle, Your family will be in my prayers!
May you all find comfort in 1 Thessalonians 4:13 & 14 “…we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep.”
Oh Donielle I am so sorry. I had a baby who went to be with Jesus in September. May Jesus also wrap His arms around you and your family.
Oh Donielle, my heart goes out to you and your family. Bless you all.
I am so sorry! We have 3 babies in heaven ourselves, and the heartbreak is so unbelievable! Praying for you!
I just found your blog recently and have been reading since… I’m so very sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how you must be feeling. I hope with time your heart begins to heal.
This breaks my heart for you. I found out last Friday that I had lost my 3rd baby. We had been praying for that baby for 3 years. You are in my heart and prayers.
Donielle, I am so, so sorry. I go tomorrow for an ultrasound of our wee little one…one I am sure in my heart is not well. I’ve been there before, but it is never easy. My heart aches for you and with you. {hugs}
Oh, Donielle! I’m so so sorry for your loss. I’ve been there and know a little of your pain. Praying for you!
Oh Donielle! My heart is aching for you, I am so sorry for your loss. I am praying for you sweet friend and sending the biggest cyber ((((((hug)))))) I know it’s not the same, but I hope it will help you know how much I care and wish I could be there for you. May the Lord comfort you and give you peace.
Love and prayers,
~traci
xoxo
Dear Donielle, I am so very sorry for your loss. I am praying for you and your husband, that you would feel peace and comfort in this painful time. (I have felt that pain. I miscarried my third baby at 15 weeks in June, so I know how awful it is right now for you.) Love to you.
My Bible study group is praying for you, too. xo
My deepest condolences. May the Lord bless you and carry you through this.
I’m so, so sorry Donielle. Miscarriage is heartbreaking in so many ways. I pray for healing for you physically and emotionally.
Donielle, a friend of mine started an organization for families who lose a child (whether it be stillborn, miscarriage, whatever). It will help you heal… http://www.MISSFoundation.org
Blessings to you and yours…
Donielle, my heart goes out to you and your family.. Sending you very big hugs and many prayers.
Shirley
(((Donielle))),
I am so, so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby. Our first son was born into heaven last year, and I know how heartbreaking it is to have to lose a child so very early in their life. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. As hard as it is, know that Jesus will carry you through it all.
In His Love,
Michelle
So sorry for your loss. Praying for God to bring comfort to you during this time.
I’m very sorry for your loss.
So sorry for your loss. 🙁
Donielle, I am so sorry that your sweet baby is no longer within. The pain is so real. 🙁 We’ve had 2 baby losses in a row this year, both beyond 10 weeks, and it is hard. That being said, just lean into Jesus. And when you have tears to cry, let them come. I will be praying for you.
Blessings,
Erica
Donielle-
I am so very sorry to hear that 🙁 I hope that you can find some comfort through our heavenly Father. I will pray for you and your family.
Katie
I am so sorry for your loss and my family’s thoughts and prayers are with you at this time. I have many friends who have lost lo’s including myself and my heart breaks everytime our heavenly nursery gets larger but feel a little more at peace knowing that they have many friends to welcome them home.
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. You are in my thoughts.
I am so sorry for your loss! Please know you are being held up and my thoughts are with you! I have been there and know this is so very painful!
Oh no, I am so sorry to hear about your loss 🙁 I will be praying for you and your family.
I, also, wish to offer you my prayers as you walk this road of loss. I am thankful that you were able to see this little one – to know that it was not imaginary… he existed in you & now exists in Heaven with Abba. I pray that Abba comes to comfort your family in the here and now.
I am so very sorry for your loss. I have 2 little ones in heaven and I never got a glimpse of either one. I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
I am so very sorry Donielle.
Praying and sending hugs!
Jessica
{{Hugs}} and love to you. I’m so thankful we can look forward to see our lost babies in heaven.
Oh Donielle… I’m so sorry to hear this… my heart and prayers go out to you and your family. May Jesus hold your little one close to Him and you too.
I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you!
So sorry. Sending prayers your way.
I am so, so sorry for your loss, Donielle. God will absolutely be carrying your baby, as I know he will be faithfully carrying you through the lows as well- thank you for sharing your experience and showing me what it means to lean and rest on God. Peace and love, Monica
So sorry for you Donielle! Your little one has quite a crew up in heaven to greet it, including one of mine. Praying for you!
I am so sorry to hear this. Praying for you!
I am so sorry about your loss! I pray that you can heal this hurt and conceive again. One of my friends loss her baby at about the same time in pregnancy than you and it has such a hard blow! I can only imagine the pain you have gone through. Take care and be well!
I just wanted to say I am so sorry. I have lost three sweet babies at 12 weeks. I know how terribly painful it can be. I’m praying for you. It is such a difficult time. Accept any help offered to you, so you can take this time to heal. One sweet day, we will see our babies again!
Donielle, I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope the love and support from this community helps even a little bit through this difficult time.
I’m so very sorry.
I’m so sorry. I’ve been praying for you ever since I saw your brief announcement. It is a nightmare of mine to lose one of my children, no matter how young. I hope you are surrounded by love, support, and the comfort of our heavenly Father. God bless you.
You are a courageous woman to share this intimate moment with all of us. I’m sorry to hear it and wishing you the best during this difficult time.
Oh- I am so very sorry! I know how hard this time is for you all. We will continue to pray for you and your family. Peace, joy amidst the sadness, strength, and more… Sending love and prayers… <3
So sorry for your loss, and so thankful that our Father is carrying you close.
I’m so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts.
I am very sorry for your family’s loss. Please accept my condolences.
Donielle, even though I don’t know you, I’m crying for you. I have been in your exact place, and I know how hard it is. I’m so sorry for the loss of your precious baby. May God comfort your grieving heart, and wrap you in his tender loving arms.
When I had my 5th miscarriage, the following verses meant a lot to me. I pray it will bless you the way it did me. 2 Corinthians 1:3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.
Hugs!
Teresa
Oh Donnielle,
I’m so sorry for your loss. I had my first miscarriage with my 7th baby just last January. It was devistating! Life starts at conception…..it might be helpful to give this baby a name.
I will pray for your healing both physical and mental. It will take time but you will breath again.
We are now due with a new littleone in June 2012 if all goes well. I had my first ultrasound last week…..and things looked good.
But I know there is no safety zone.
Peace and Prayers,
Georgiann
Oh, Sweet Donielle, I’m so so sorry for your loss. I’m so sorry. It is so sweet to think how your baby is in the arms of Jesus right now! I just finished reading the book Heaven is For Real and I love it that when little Colton visits heaven he gets to meet his sister who he didn’t even know that his mom had had a miscarriage during her second month of pregnancy. It is such a sweet picture of how much Jesus loves our children, your child. May God comfort you in this difficult time as you were so excited about this little one joining your family. May God heal your heart, and may he provide another little one in days yet to come. Blessings friend.
After working so hard to welcome a baby into your family, the loss is that much more painful. I know; I’ve done it 7 times. I do know that our babies come on their own time, and in the time of God. May He hear your prayers for another one soon.
Oh Donielle,
I am so sorry to hear that your little one has gone from you. It truely is a heart wrentching time, I pray that the Lord will hold you close and protect your hearts bringing healing during the quiet hours of the night.
Hugs and blessings,
Lynda
Donnielle,
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I too have a little one in heaven with the Lord. it happened 16 years ago, but I know how hard it can be. I will be praying for you and your family. As hard as it may be turn to the Lord for comfort. He is right there by your side holding your hand during this difficult time.
You are not alone.
Oh, Donielle! My heart aches for you! I was pregnant and conceived about the same time you did. I miscarried at almost 8 weeks. I already have two beautiful girls, and this was a very unexpected thing. Four of my girlfriends announced their pregnancy around that time, also. I had to unfollow you on Twitter and unsubscribe to your blog because I just wasn’t ready to hear someone else’s pregnancy updates yet. I’m freshly pregnant again, and I decided to check your blog to see how you were doing and get some resources. I did not expect to read this, and I really, really feel for you. Thank heavens we have an eye on a bigger power than our sadness – and a hope and a future! I have to say that I have an entirely different view on pregnancy now. I am so thankful to have a positive pregnancy test but am very sobered by the reality of how tenuous the development of life really is.
This happened to me in Sept. and that is what led me to you. I’m sorry for your loss, thank you for everything you do. <3
Oh, Donielle, so many of us know that feeling all too well. It’s one that we can never forget. You will be in my thoughts and prayers…
Donielle,
I’m only just reading this now and my heart breaks for you. I love that we are so safe in the arms of our Creator, and I trust that He is holding you in every difficult moment. You are such a blessing to the community you’ve created here, and we are grateful for you…aching with you. Praying for continued peace and abundant hope for the future! Love…
Molly
Donielle,
thank you for sharing, it helps so many others who feel so alone during these times in life! I am so glad I found this website. just had a miscarriage at 10 wks. keeping you and the others in my thoughts and prayers! maybe we’ll meet these babies one day. 🙂
Donielle,
I am new to your blog and I am just reading this post. I’m so sorry for your loss, but joyful that you have the assurance that your little one is with Jesus. I am 45, the mother of an (almost) 24 year old and have desired so deeply to have a child with my husband (who has none of his own) for almost 14 years. This past Mother’s Day I found out I was pregnant, and one week later (at “7” weeks) our little baby went to be with Jesus.
Though my heart aches so deeply, and I have so many questions about why it never happened before (we have been “trying” since 1999), I also have a renewed hope… I GOT pregnant! That is exciting enough that despite my age I am once again filled with hope that maybe, just maybe we will be blessed with a little miracle. I am gleaning so much information from your site to improve our health. Thank you.
@Kathy C., I’m so very sorry for your loss. 🙁 Sending prayers for you and your husband, that you continue to feel peace and hope in the weeks and months to come.