I’m Not Always OK – life after pregnancy loss
It’s been one month and one day since my little one was born earth-side, and heaven-born about a week before. Life after pregnancy loss has not been easy.
My heart still aches.
There isn’t a day/hour/moment that goes by that I don’t think of my baby.
And while time doesn’t heal all wounds, God sure does.
We have joy, and peace, and comfort while we mourn, knowing that we’ll see our little one again. We just have to wait a bit longer than 9 months.
And it’s getting easier, but there are still many difficult moments.
Moments that tug at my heart, bringing tears and rawness. Moments that remind me of the loss of our dream.
The moment when my young 5-year-old son trying to quantify our grief as we told him his little sibling passed away. He started at 100 and kept adding numbers, each time asking “mommy, are you this many sad?”
The glass of wine I drank each night for a week to calm my anxiety enough to go to sleep. These “mama bear” hormones are confusing my brain – they are meant to keep a baby safe, but there is no baby after this birth. Instead it’s creating anxiety and keeping me up all night long.
The bills we started getting less than a week after going to the ER are a painful reminder of that dreadful visit. I have to write out 5 separate checks and it cost us over $1000.00 to be told our baby had died.
Putting away the maternity clothes only a week after getting them out of storage and washed for use. And now the empty space where these clothes once hung. I had already gained weight during pregnancy so my “normal” clothes don’t quite fit – but I simply can’t get myself to wear any of these again.
Writing in my journal, documenting these days of grief. Seeing it sit on my nightstand, anxious because I haven’t pulled it out in two weeks – too emotionally exhausting. I had meant to document each day of my pregnancy, instead I spend time documenting my tears.
A piece of me will always be broken.
But I pray each day that God uses that broken part of me to teach me how to love; to love others, to love my family, and to love Him. I’m working on finding the purpose for the pain.