Have you ever ridden a roller coaster? The type where you climb ever so high, kept in your seat by just a bar over your lap.
That was last year.
As I stood in line for my very first ride, the excitement mounting, I was barely able to stand waiting a moment more for my turn. Grinning from ear to ear, palms sweating, clasping on to the ones closest to me. Talking faster, jumping up and down.
I greeted last year with the same anticipation. Knowing exciting things were right on the horizon. I couldn’t wait to see what would happen, what opportunities I’d be presented with.
I buckled in, my heart about ready to explode. The ride was just about to start and I was so elated I could hardly sit still. If I was any more excited I might just burst into a million pieces!
Last spring I was offered a book contract, something I never expected to happen. My 30th birthday came around in June and not only did my sister surprise me with tickets to the New Kids concert, my husband set up a surprise party for me with my family – my first surprise party ever. Life was exciting! So many awesome things were happening.
Such big, giant steps in business, life, relationships, my faith. Everything was working out exactly as I had hoped and life was so good.
All of a sudden the ride starts and we begin inching upwards, any higher and I swear I could touch the heavens. This is it. This is what I was waiting for.
I remember so vividly the answered prayer requests, the seemingly unending joy I experienced each day. I was writing a book about natural fertility and found out weeks before it was finished that I was expecting my third baby. I once shared with a friend
“Two very specific things I’ve been praying for, for almost a decade, have happened in the last two weeks. Feeling so insanely blessed and thankful as He continues to pour out His blessings. Not that we may never have hard times ahead, of course, but we are thoroughly enjoying our life right now!! “
And then it happened. Instead of being on top of the world, I was peering over the edge. Falling and breathless, my stomach in knots. There was no getting off the ride now.
My miscarriage. The loss of my baby. The loss of a dream for what my life was going to be like, what his life was going to be like.
I normally do a year-end recap here on the blog, but I just can’t get myself to do it this year. So much happened. Two thousand eleven was literally one of the best years of my life. And it was also the worst year of my life so far. The Lord has been gracious and kind to us in our mourning and we’ve changed and grown in so many ways. We are better after everything we’ve gone through but there is still so much pain and fear of the future.
I look back on this year with such mixed emotions, with hesitation looking ahead to the next.
This post was originally written two months after the miscarriage of our third baby in 2011. Five years later there has been a lot of healing, but the tearful reminders remain. If you are currently going through or have had a miscarriage, I’m so sorry. You will get through this, and time does not heal all wounds, but it does get easier. <3
There were days that I was most definitely not ok. I dealt with major adrenal fatigue due to emotional and physical reasons. I was angry for a long time.
Looking back now I can see how much I’ve grown personally and spiritually, but it was painful growth. I just want you to know, that even through that pain, there is life after miscarriage. It can be hard to find your joy, but keep working at it, it’s worth it.
Donielle Baker
I feel the exact same way about this year. :-/ In the beginning, I thought it was going to be so great. I met my husband and married him and I thought I was on top of the world. We got pregnant with our first baby. And then….. gone. I can completely resonate with the mixed feelings and being cautious about looking ahead. *hugs*
I want to say something to this post, to acknowledge what you’ve been through and thank you for sharing, but anything I think of sounds so…cliched.
But, at the risk of sounding that way…
I don’t believe that you can laugh from the soul, dance from the soul, if you haven’t cried, mourned, from the soul.
I hope 2012 brings you many blessings. 🙂
@Bethany, Thank you dear friend. So simply put, but also perfect.
I can hear your heart. I also had a miscarriage. I was very early along though. But I remember how my heart felt. I really remember God’s comfort. I have had a little girl since then though. 🙂 Here are some thoughts that are going through my mind and that I am praying about: I was listening to Lisa Bevere today and she was talking about dreaming big. I have had things to happen in my life where sometimes I wonder if I just want to stay comfortable and safe, and not do spiritual warfare. I haven’t made any New Year’s resolutions, because I am not sure what to work on. I just keep working on regular stuff, and wonder what dreams are from God.
Thank you for being so honest. Your downloads are amazing also, and I really appreciate the work you do.
I just happened upon your blog and read this post. I’m sorry for your loss. Mourning hurts and yet the Lord enriches our lives in only ways he can through times like this. I hope that 2012 is full of blessings for you and your family. I can’t imagine the glory of heaven, yet I can’t help but think one of those unimaginables is full of babies whose moms have yet to hold them for the first time. I can’t wait!