I don’t talk about it on the blog much anymore but that doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten. For there isn’t a day that goes by that I haven’t thought of my little baby I never got to hold.
It’s also not because I’ve said all I have to say. It’s just difficult to think and write and cry all at the same time. My laptop is not insured against water damage.
I’m also not good at emotionally charged writing, it drains me. I end up feeling like I got run over by a train and I’m exhausted and emotionally spent.
You see, there are days that I remember with joy, thinking of that little one, that living soul, who would now be about 18 months old. Walking, talking, toddling around. I am blessed that I was used to assist in creating life, a new soul, and this young life has had such a purpose and profound impact on me that I am forever changed.
And there are other days where I intimately remember that devastation. I’m swept right back to the hospital room in the ER watching the ultrasound screen and knowing what the stillness meant, without being told. I cry and weep and mourn for the one I can’t hold. The tears age my body and my soul becomes weary. There is no denying the sadness and I allow myself to feel grief when the waves comes.
The cooling weather of fall, the waning crescent moon, pumpkin carts on the side of the road, certain pregnancy announcements. They all trigger this grief in different ways, yet such is the life of a mom who can not hold her baby.
I’ve done some things that people would think are crazy. Actually, I’ve done some things that make me think I’m crazy. Like throwing eggs against a tree because I was so mad that something had to break and I was tired of it being my heart.
I’ve found myself digging deeper into my faith, realizing that God doesn’t give us “what we can handle”, but that He helps us handle life when we can’t anymore. I thought I knew all about releasing emotions, expectations, and control until they consumed me so much that I had to spend time and actually learn how to let them go.
October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Month, designated by President Reagan in 1988 to remember the babies that passed before we got a chance to really know them. In 2002 a movement began to specialize this day, October 15th, as a specific day to remember.
You can get involved tonight as the International Wave of Light invites participants from around the world to light a candle in honor of this day, starting at 7pm in your own timezone, and to leave the candle burning for at least an hour. The result is a continuous chain of light spanning the globe for a 24 hour period in honor and remembrance of the children who die during pregnancy or shortly after birth.
Approximately one in four or five women has experienced either pregnancy or infant loss. If you too have lost a baby, whether it was this month or many years ago, please feel free to leave your story in the comments, at any time, so that we can all remember your baby with you. ♥