I don’t talk about it on the blog much anymore but that doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten. For there isn’t a day that goes by that I haven’t thought of my little baby I never got to hold.
It’s also not because I’ve said all I have to say. It’s just difficult to think and write and cry all at the same time. My laptop is not insured against water damage.
I’m also not good at emotionally charged writing, it drains me. I end up feeling like I got run over by a train and I’m exhausted and emotionally spent.
You see, there are days that I remember with joy, thinking of that little one, that living soul, who would now be about 18 months old. Walking, talking, toddling around. I am blessed that I was used to assist in creating life, a new soul, and this young life has had such a purpose and profound impact on me that I am forever changed.
And there are other days where I intimately remember that devastation. I’m swept right back to the hospital room in the ER watching the ultrasound screen and knowing what the stillness meant, without being told. I cry and weep and mourn for the one I can’t hold. The tears age my body and my soul becomes weary. There is no denying the sadness and I allow myself to feel grief when the waves comes.
The cooling weather of fall, the waning crescent moon, pumpkin carts on the side of the road, certain pregnancy announcements. They all trigger this grief in different ways, yet such is the life of a mom who can not hold her baby.
I’ve done some things that people would think are crazy. Actually, I’ve done some things that make me think I’m crazy. Like throwing eggs against a tree because I was so mad that something had to break and I was tired of it being my heart.
I’ve found myself digging deeper into my faith, realizing that God doesn’t give us “what we can handle”, but that He helps us handle life when we can’t anymore. I thought I knew all about releasing emotions, expectations, and control until they consumed me so much that I had to spend time and actually learn how to let them go.
October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Month, designated by President Reagan in 1988 to remember the babies that passed before we got a chance to really know them. In 2002 a movement began to specialize this day, October 15th, as a specific day to remember.
You can get involved tonight as the International Wave of Light invites participants from around the world to light a candle in honor of this day, starting at 7pm in your own timezone, and to leave the candle burning for at least an hour. The result is a continuous chain of light spanning the globe for a 24 hour period in honor and remembrance of the children who die during pregnancy or shortly after birth.
Approximately one in four or five women has experienced either pregnancy or infant loss. If you too have lost a baby, whether it was this month or many years ago, please feel free to leave your story in the comments, at any time, so that we can all remember your baby with you. ♥
Donielle Baker
Roasted root vegetables
I get chills reading this this afternoon. We lost our sweet baby 1 year and a month ago, and before that I would have never given this day much thought other than to empathize with those that would mention it. I can still feel the lump in my throat when that ultrasound screen came up a big black empty space. After having 2 other babies I just knew that didn’t look right and of course the tech wasn’t allowed to tell me. I begged her – that isn’t right is it – there’s no baby there is there? She was silent and then said well that is for the Doctor to interpret. I knew. I had to wait an hour and half in a cold dark room to get my answer. And then was discharged home with no instructions on what to expect. 2 days later I was in full labor with contractions just like delivering my girls and passed my baby. In my devastation last year, I vowed I never wanted another friend or acquaintance of mine to go through the silent torture that I did. In the time since then God has brought more people than I can count on my hands into my life that I have been able to weep with, encourage, and hold hands through similar events. Praying for all mama warriors today. I pray our society will continue to break the silence.
We just lost our child last week and am in the thick of the grieving process (you know, the point where you think, “Will this pain ever lessen?” and the only answer that makes sense is “No.”). I blogged about it today: http://www.messywife.com/2013/10/this-is-not-post-it-was-supposed-to-be.html
It was a year ago this month that I lost my little one. I had been struggling with secondary infertility for almost 5 years at that time. My husband and I had decided to that we were going to stop trying. We have been blessed with an AMAZING little girl, so we were just focusing on her and being thankful for her. Then mid September we were shocked and over joyed at the news that I was expecting again. Only to loose the baby at 7 1/2 weeks. I was devastated. However the Lord gave me a song the day I went in for the D&C. This is truly my heart and the Lord continues to use it to help in healing my broken heart.
Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name
Blessed Be Your name
When I’m found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I’ll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name
When the sun’s shining down on me
When the world’s ‘all as it should be’
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there’s pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
Every blessing You pour out
I’ll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name
We just experienced our 5th loss this week. It’s a sadness that’s hard to explain. One minute your pregnant and the next your not. Life changes in an instant. My children all grieve with us. God is good though. Looking to him keeps things in perspective.
I’m so sorry for your loss Donielle, and I cry with you. We lost our baby Samantha at 15 weeks in Nov 2011; she also would have been about 18 months right now. I remember being in the Labor and Delivery at the hospital knowing my baby would not survive, but having to go through labor and everything, and having to listen to all the happy sounds of healthy babies being born all around me. Just a few days ago I was back at the hospital to get a cerclage to close my cervix and keep my 22 week baby growing until full-term. It brought back all the emotions of being there the first time. I wish people knew that not everyone who is in L & D at the hospital is there for a happy reason. It’s okay to cry. Al the times I’ve cried out to God, I just hear Him whispering back to me that He cries with me, too. I hope all the mommies who have not gotten to hold their babies will take comfort in this day of remembrance. Thank you for sharing your story and for letting us share ours 🙂
All three of my littles ones were miscarried in the Fall. It’s so hard not to think about them and how different life would be if they were here. Many prayers, dear friend. Thank you for honoring all of our babies with what you do.
I lost my sweet baby at 10 weeks, after we had seen the heart beat 3 weeks prior. I still remember the anguish, the feeling of no control, saying “I don’t want this, I don’t want this …” over and over, weeping over the sink as I tried to wash the dishes as a distraction from the pain. We named the baby Christian Jesse. He/she would be almost 2 years old now. I’m comforted to know that my sweet baby is safe in the arms of Jesus, but I”m so jealous that I don’t get to hold him. My youngest is 17 months, and my oldest is almost 4. I still say, and always will, that I am a mommy of 3.
We just found out that our baby’s heart isn’t beating. It was last Thursday and I was ten weeks. I met my OB for the first time. She said, “I’m so sorry. Your baby doesn’t have a heart beat. You need to go to the hospital for a second ultrasound to confirm this.” She said the baby died a couple of days ago. I sat in shock, tears and prayer. I am still in shock, tears, prayers and denial. My hope is knowing God can work a miracle. Maybe He will for my baby. I am not ready to say goodbye. My body isn’t ready either as I have had no signs of miscarriage. So now I wait for a miracle or death. I don’t blame God, I trust in Him. I trust in His plan. I just hurt right now. It’s too fresh. Too new. Too much.
My day has been filled with tears and I am so exhausted. 9.5 weeks ago we lost our 6 week old son, Silas, unexpectedly while at a checkup at the pediatrician’s office. This past Friday we learned he had a congenital defect that is incredibly rare. Knowing has brought up so many more paths down which my grief must follow. I keep turning back to the blessings. I shared them on my friend’s blog at http://www.raisingthebarrs.com/2013/08/Silas.
We lost our honeymoon baby on Oct 3rd, 2013, ectopic. An sad and unexpected journey only 2 months into marriage. Lighting a candle tonight in remembrance. 1 Peter 5:7-11
I wept openly while I read your post. I have had 2 miscarriages in the last year and am currently 21 weeks pregnant again. Those two loses have had the most profound impact on me and I keep wondering when i will ever be happy with this pregnancy when all I can think about is the two babies that I lost and wondering if I am going to lose this baby too. I don’t know how my heart could stand 3 losses. I also have 2 other children and I have had many people dismiss my losses because I have my boys. However those losses continue to impact my life on a daily basis and I believe we as women carry those lost babies with us everyday. These miscarriages have taught me that life truly is a gift from God and that we are powerless to change the path God has laid out to us. Your blog made me feel like I am not alone because sometimes it can certainly feel like I carry the loss of my babies on my own and that no one can really see the pain I still feel no matter how much time passes.
I had a miscarriage 6 months ago this month. As what should have been my EDD approaches it is getting harder and harder to cope with our loss, especially watching my niece reach so many milestones that my baby never will. My husband and I started trying in November 2011 and we are still without a baby. My heart aches today. For myself and so many other parents out there with empty arms and broken hearts.
Thanks for the opportunity to light a candle and remember and share. My son Nathan was stillborn at 33 weeks gestation, 21 years ago. At the time, an older lady friend sent me a letter and told me about her first son who had been stillborn also. She said 30 years later, she and her husband would still visit his grave once in a while and wonder what he would have been like. Those were the words that stuck with me through the years.
I lost my fourth and fifth boys last year. We had 3 healthy boys before that and the first loss, Brendan, was at 18 weeks. It was like being hit in the head from behind with a 2×4, so unexpected and so painful. We tried right away to get pregnant again and did, but I miscarried Liam at 6 weeks. I really thought that pregnancy would be a success and that one was hard too, but I felt like I could only grieve so much at once and was so emotionally drained still grieving my other child. I found out some genetic stuff going on and made a lot of proactive changes to our family’s health and diet. I unexpectedly got pregnant earlier this year and am 24 weeks now with another boy. I am grateful, but still afraid of losing another baby. I’m having a really hard time making decisions and I think it’s because there’s more I have to work through with losing other babies. I don’t want to make choices out of fear. I’ve wanted to make the most of however much time I have with this baby, but it’s so hard to do that when I don’t feel like my heart could take another loss. I’m still grieving. Brendan would have been a year old this week. I am grateful my relationship with Jesus is sweeter and he’s given me plenty of friends and family to cry with me. I know he cries with me too. My babies are in good hands. I just wish this world wasn’t so broken.
Reading all of your comments make me cry all over again for your pain and loss. We lost our son, our first and only child to stillbirth Feb. 20th, 2013. Words cannot describe how devastatingly painful this experience has been, still is and will be for years to come. We attended a beautiful memorial service tonight at the hospital our baby was delivered at. It amazed me how raw the pain and loss still is, and will be for a while. You are all in my thoughts this remembrance day.
I forgot to say (oops) thank you so much for sharing this post.
Thank you for this post. I am always blessed to see bloggers talking about infant loss, even though it is a hard subject! My heart hurts for all the mamas who posted comments and have suffered through loss! 🙁
My third child, Samuel, was stillborn at 33 weeks in January due to a placental abruption. In April I had an ectopic pregnancy (we think I was about 9 weeks, but I had no idea until the day before) burst and had to have surgery. God is good, even in the hurt and pain!
I’m so sorry for your loss, and at the same time, I thank you for your post. It is so meaningful to see other Mamas remember and break the silence so often associated with loss. We have one beautiful son, and were incredibly eager to give him a sister or brother. When we lost our baby, we vowed to try again and quickly got pregnant, only to miscarry again. The pain runs deep, but we have in turn pulled closer to God. Now we must wait for the okay to try again, and grieve all at the same time. Knowing that some day we will get to hold our babies that we couldn’t hold here helps us make it through.
I lost a baby two weeks ago…a miscarriage as I was only 9 weeks pregnant. This was my fifth pregnancy. My first pregnancy was also lost to a miscarriage at 11 weeks. This loss has been much easier in some ways as this time I’ve got three other sweet little ones to fill my time and my heart. But there have still been so many ‘what if’s’ and ‘what would have been’.
I know God holds my sweet babies in heaven and someday I’ll get to hold them too.