May 16.
A day etched into my memory.
Not because of what happened, but because of what didn’t.
The loss of a dream.
Today was my due date.
And instead of holding a new little baby, I’m holding on to the promises of our Creator. That He is loving, and kind, and just. That His peace that passes all understanding washes over me. Filling me.
Instead of being in the trenches of newborn life, I grieve. Yet count the ways I have been blessed and give thanks. For He is good.
While no lullabies are being sung, I sing out in praise to my Heavenly Father.
For my life is no less blessed in trials as it is when I can easily see that life is good. And this one very small and seemingly insignificant child has taught me so much in such a short amount of time.
While difficult, I’ve seen growth in myself, my marriage, and my family. I’ve learned what it means to be held and comforted.
Some days are not easy, and I’m sure some of you have these days as well. I lash out. Where the pain is raw, where my heart aches, and my arms crave to hold. Where I want to disappear, to hide, to spend time alone.
To choose joy is not always easy for me.
But I must choose peace in my here and now. That this is my life. That this is where I’m supposed to be – learning, stretching, growing. Opening myself to His goodness and grace.
Finding joy in my every day life. Even when it’s difficult.
Donielle Baker
D-
I’ll keep you in my prayers!
I know. I am sorry. My day just passed 4/30, and I’ll say these words again 11/28. Choosing joy is the hardest thing. I sing on a worship team at my church, and choosing to believe the words I sing instead of feeling like they don’t apply to my situation was gut wrenching. Your post took the words out of my mouth. Thank you, as always.
@Jessica Juice, I have been brought to my knees many times while I worship. And I’m so sorry for the passing of your little one. May we hold on to the hope that we will meet them one day. I can honestly say that I’ve never been more excited about the Lord’s return – it can’t come soon enough!
praying for you.
So tough! My day was a few months ago. Thankfully, I have another new date to look forward to – only 10 weeks away. Thank heavens for hope in the future! 🙂
Thank you for being so real and transparent. You are blessing so many. I have not walked in your shoes and pray I won’t have to, but I have learned and grown and been humbled through you, and if I do face what you have, I will have someplace to turn.
I’m praying for you today.
It’s hard to know what to say… I will hold you in my heart as you walk this path and lift you up to the One who knows your pain. Hugs-
@Lenetta, Thank you dear friend.
Thank you so much for sharing. Your words have given my strength, I”ve had to deal with is twice, and each time God has not forgotten me. I hold on to the joy that was given for just a short time and the knowledge of the blessing He has already given me, has gotten me though. I pray God will bless you again soon and thank you again for sharing.
Wow. That was beautiful. Every life has a purpose, even if it is short-lived.
Thanks for sharing this. I recently lost my father, and though the loss is not the same, the pain is still so raw and deep, and your words are a comfort, an encouragement, a reminder. God is good, and He carries us through. Always. Hugs and prayers for you friend.
@Emily @ Live Renewed, Emily, I’m so sorry for your loss. How heartbreaking to lose a parent! I’ll be praying for you.
Donielle, Sending you loving and healing thoughts to your body and heart today. You and your baby are in my prayers. Jenilyn
Thank you for writing this, I would bet it was hard. I have not been there, but I appreciate you being honest about all of this. Any death has anniversaries which are hard. Thanks for keeping it real. I love the fact you seek joy in the Lord which is the only place it will be found. Praying for you today.
Sending prayers to God on your behalf right now!
Loved this post. I had a May baby due a year ago that we never were able to meet. (HUGS)
Abiding with you.
Thank you Donielle for sharing…my son’s due date is also coming up in June after having lost him in January. I really don’t know how I will deal, but hope that It can be a day of remembrance and love and hope for the future. It is definitely hard to find days where I can feel joyful and only feel sadness. I hope to continue to grow from this experience and come out a stronger person.
@Anietie Ukpe, Anietie, I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing a baby is truly heartbreaking. May your love for the child you never got to meet teach you and change you for good.
praying for you.
Thank you Donielle. My due date is still a couple months away (July), but I am encouraged by your words. I plan to hold on to them as that precious day comes and goes for me. Please keep sharing about your journey – it is a real ministry to those of us walking similar paths.
@Amanda, Amanda, I’m so sorry for the loss of your little one. Words can’t describe the pain and I fumble trying to find words to say.
Know that I pray for you.
@donielle, You’re not fumbling at all. The most comforting words someone can say to me is “I’m praying for you” – especially when I know it is someone who truly means it. Aside from that, I’ve learned there is no “right” thing to say. Bless you.
I cried most of mothers day.
Last year on mothers day I did an ept test and was beyond thrilled that it was positive.
12 weeks later while my husband and daughter were away on a mission trip – i miscarried.
it was indescribable. but i believed that we would be expecting again soon.
a year later and it has not happened.
it’s not that I’m not thankful for the wonderful blessings I have.
and yes. i know not to make plans – because maybe God’s plans are different.
but it was still a MOST difficult day.
most days still are.
but some days are better.
@Michelle G, Oh Michelle, I’m so very sorry for the passing of your little one.
It’s ok to feel that pain, that grief. I do as well many days. And Mother’s Day seems to bring it all to surface again. I’d love to say I met that day with grace, but that’s not the case. I had many moments this year as I was struck with grief. I’m not always good at choosing joy.
praying for you.
January 5 was our due date. And while it has been almost 7 years I still struggle to find joy on the 5th of January. We have been blessed greatly with two babies and yet I know our third baby is waiting for us to meet in heaven. It does get easier – the pain recedes but the longing to hold/know the baby remains. Praying for you.
I sometimes don’t know how to process my day because every mom spends all their time thinking about their baby. Even if they never got to meet. I think about the child I lost all every day and even though we conceived around the same time this year as we did last time and are due around the same time, my love for this child will never replace my first sweet baby that we will see someday.
Thank you for sharing your story. I know that had to be difficult to deal with and talk about after all of these years. My husband and I are TTC and have been unsuccessful for three years. We recently changed our diet and went Paleo in hopes of helping my PCOS. It’s really hard sometimes to just sit back and wait for things to happen but we are trying. I can’t thank you enough for sharing your story! One day soon, we will hold our own baby boy/girl and I’ll look back and thank you once again.
Thanks for sharing! It is difficult to choose joy. While I have not had the pain of miscarriage, I have had the pain of not being able to get pregnant. A verse that has been an encouragement to me is Psalm 27:13,14 “I am still confident of this, I will see the goodness of the Lord….wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” Just this past April, the Lord blessed my husband and I with a baby boy we adopted. Every time I look at him I am reminded by the Lord’s goodness, His sovereignty and perfect timing!
My due date for the baby we lost in October was June 2, 2014. I walked into church the day before and noticed a woman with a brand-new baby. Tears filled my eyes…longing for what could have been.
We lost another baby in May of this year. This baby was due to arrive Dec. 9.
My prayer….”Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you.” Psalm 116:7
I’m so very sorry for the loss of your babies. 🙁