I’m sure many of you long time readers have noticed my absence over the last year, and especially over the last few months. Although I do write, I hardly consider myself a writer, and yet writing is where I find my greatest healing.
Many of you also know that I got pregnant late last summer, after a miscarriage and two more years of infertility. And with my pregnancy it seemed that I just couldn’t get my thoughts out. I tried many times, but it all came out jumbled, barely making sense to even me. I choose not to write about my children and pregnancy here on my blog as I know how very hurtful it can be to hear pregnancy updates when you want nothing more than a baby of your own. I also make this choice because women who are hurting can sometimes say very hurtful things (I know I’ve said things I shouldn’t), and opening up about my children often times brings about hurtful comments directed toward me.
I stopped writing, even for myself in my journals, which saddens me because I so wanted to make sure I remembered every moment of this pregnancy.
I still don’t know what to write or where to start, but I know that making myself put words to screen is important. I have to start somewhere.
I’m in this weird place where infertility and loss are still deeply etched into my heart. The pain is still fresh, though far from new.
Yet I am ever so grateful that our little boy is here, finally here. The gratefulness I feel each day is often overwhelming. His sweet little head has caught more of my tears than I can count. Tears of joy and love for this new little soul. Tears of sorrow as I remember our little one I wasn’t given the opportunity to care for.
These conflicting emotions making it difficult for me to know how I feel, let alone write it down.
There is this saying in the babyloss community that “After every storm there is a rainbow of hope”, and before I share a bit of my pregnancy and birth story, I want you to know, the baby isn’t always the rainbow. You can find healing and your rainbow of hope without a “rainbow baby”.
This pregnancy was the hardest by far, both emotionally and physically. I was put on progesterone immediately after a positive pregnancy test, more for “insurance” that my levels wouldn’t drop since we didn’t know the cause of my miscarriage. (Though I’m fairly certain it wasn’t due to low progesterone.) Having the progesterone as backup lessened my anxiety a bit and I am grateful that it was available for me. The downfall was that the high levels of progesterone also triggered migraines that rendered me almost useless, laying in bed, at least twice each week for 18 weeks. The nausea was far worse this pregnancy as well and for weeks I maintained a mostly vegan diet and left much of the cooking up to Todd.
I was so thankful for my contributors during this time as I had little time to write while spending most days laying on the couch. I was also thankful for friends that knew what I was going through during this pregnancy as they had been there before.
Soon after our holiday break however I began to experience symphasis pubic dysfunction which is, if I may add, horribly painful. Progressively getting worse, even with weekly chiropractic adjustments and medical massage every few weeks, it became difficult to walk, sleep, stand, or sit in the same place. I was truly amazed at how chronic pain was affecting every aspect of my life! I could barely cook, clean, or even put my kids to bed as the stairs bothered me so much.
But I was surrounded (both virtually and in ‘real life’) by supportive friends. The culmination of this support in the way of a Blessingway.
And then on April 17th, two weeks before my estimated due date, it became time for our little guy to be born.
My water broke early in the morning on the 16th yet I had no contractions all day long. Labor didn’t start until after midnight on the 17th, with active labor beginning within an hour of the first contraction. I was surprised at the pain this time as my previous birth went so smoothly and I was able to focus and relax during each contraction. I was expecting another peaceful birth, especially since we had planned on having him at home, but the pain sometimes seemed more than I could manage and I knew I was fighting with my self, both mentally and physically. Within a couple of hours Todd called the midwife, even though I thought I still had plenty of time left. It’s a good thing he did because an hour later when she got there we knew baby was coming soon.
The contractions were coming one right after the other with little to no break in between so I went into the birthing tub… which slowed them right down. Heh. Looking back I think that he would have been born sooner had I not gotten in the water (my midwife agreed!), and yet I also think it was helpful as I worked through a lot of the emotional aspects of birthing a baby after loss.
I had spent so much time during my pregnancy just trying to make it through the pregnancy that I didn’t spend a lot of time thinking about the actual birth. This time I knew how quickly pregnancy could go wrong, how quickly devastation could come in and take everything away. I needed that extra time to process.
In the end, with help from my midwife, and the worst labor pains I’ve had, I was finally able to pull my baby up out of the water and hold him in my arms. My baby was finally here.
He’s currently growing big, and faster than our other two grew! Only two months old and long enough for 6 months clothes. These newborn days are both difficult and fantastic all in one moment. We are learning how to be a family of five, I’m learning how to leave the house with more kids than I have hands.
I also wonder how I live in this moment yet still honor the struggle of my heart and the baby I never held but for a short time in my womb?
How do I work to enjoy the hard parts of parenting and never take it for granted?
And how can I claim struggles of infertility when my arms hold three and others struggle for one?
This dance of emotions is confusing at best.
I truly love this space I’ve created online and the community that has become of it. I can’t ever imagine not writing here. Though after having planned on only taking a few weeks off of all my admin and editor responsibilities, I’ve realized that even that has been too much for me right now. Women take a maternity leave for a reason.
As you may remember, I have dealt with adrenal fatigue, finally beginning to see some healing before I conceived last summer. I’m finding that I need to spend more time relaxing (read: napping!) and enjoying and less time on the computer right now. I need to make my health the prime focus in this season as I continue to deal with a few post partum issues (joint pain and plantar fasciitis) so that I can later continue to pursue my passions (like blogging!). My plan for now is to take July off from any blog responsibilities, checking email only weekly and maybe sending out a quick letter to subscribers every couple of weeks.
It may seem like blog suicide, but since Google killed half my traffic in January and Facebook only shows my updates to a few hundred instead of the 10k + that like the page, I’m thinking it can’t get much worse!
In the meantime, I have a few more contributor posts to publish, and you can always follow me on Instagram or subscribe to my personal account on Facebook. (I don’t accept friend requests, but you can follow my public posts)
I plan on catching up on my to-read book pile and spending some time outside and at the beach! I pray you have a fantastic summer.
So glad to ‘hear’ from you. <3 Enjoy the summer and all that is brings.
Congratulations! This was very inspiring as I’ve been dealing with thyroid issues and a baby #3 wish that doesn’t seem to be coming true. So it is nice to hear that while I’m not the only one who has struggles, there are happy stories out there. And I’ll still be reading even if its only sporadically, its easy to get caught up in bloglife but the real one with its sweet baby breath and stinky kid feet is so much better, isn’ it!
This resonates with me so, so strongly. I went through a nearly identical season of loss followed up with the amazing, breathtaking beauty of my “gift baby.” And after she was born, I just … well, all of my creativity, and my voice even, just disappeared into her, somehow. I floundered and made random efforts, but in the end, God led me to an entirely new place. I shut down my old blog (www.booksandbairns.blogspot.com) and opened a new one (www.tosowaseed.net) where I could really embrace this new creation I felt I was becoming. It has been a hard, but fabulous journey. My gift baby girl is now nearing her 4th birthday, and was followed by the blessing of our “good measure, pressed down” baby– now 18 months! God is good. And so are His mysterious ways. 🙂
I love this post. I hope it was healing for you to write it. I have tears of joy and grief in reading it, and relate to the feelings you expressed in so many ways. My first son came after eight years of infertility, followed quickly by a daughter, then two miscarriages. I felt so many similar emotions when my son was born, and I am at that point (a few months later) when I was wondering why the miscarriages are still bothering me. I thank you for sharing your heart, because it opened mine up in a good way that it needed to be at this time. “The heart knows its own bitterness,and no stranger shares its joy.” – Proverbs 14:10
As one of your long time readers, I have missed reading your words and hearing your thoughts. We are told to weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice…..and many of us are in a season where we are weeping over our losses or inability to conceive. But, Donielle, we are rejoicing with you! Praise God for your blessing! Rest, relax and enjoy that precious boy…what a gift!
Thank you so much for sharing! Even though most of us here are struggling with infertility, we still feel joy when someone else who is also struggling receives such a blessing! Congratulations on your son!
Congratulations Donielle! I’ve been thinking of you and wondering about news of the little one. Even though I’m struggling with secondary infertility I find your story to be encouraging. You are so thoughtful of others feelings which is so nice. I pray that we will have a happy ending to our “storm”. I’ve learned I just need to be patient and eat as healthy as possible while waiting for God’s perfect timing and story to unfold. Enjoy the snuggles of your precious miracle! ♥
Thanks for sharing! SO happy for you!
Congratulations on the arrival of your sweet baby boy and thank you so much for sharing!!
It’s encouraging to see that women are conceiving and giving birth to healthy babies, it gives others hope that their time will come soon.
All my best, Pam
So nice to see you on here again. I feel like I can identify with your struggles, and it’s encouraging to read someone’s happy outcome. We’ve been trying for a year and a half for baby number two, and I miscarried last month. It’s been a painful and weary road. Congratulations on your new little one — you are blessed. 🙂
Congratulations and i pray that you stay blessed,you are a wonderful person who has inspired and given hope to many,even as far as afrika(where i am)…its not easy here dealing with infertility as theres too much stigmatization,luck of info,lack of products,lack of good hospitals…the list is endless!!!. But we are coping with what we get and hoping for the best.keep up the goodwork..love to you and the babies…
Congratulations! I wish you the very best. I see these pictures as a glimmer of hope and visualize becoming a mommy one day. I have also gone down a path of discovering the root of my infertility (PCOS or Hypothroidism). Various changes had led to a 30lb weight loss and mental clarity. Blessings to you.
Oh sweet lady…I love your heart…I love this post…and I love you. <3 Erin
congratulations, wonderful story!! i am amazed that labor pains with third can be so severe, wow! and don’t worry about your blog – there are so many things that we can’t influence on our websites (google algorythms being only a part of it…) that is probably the best to let go and focus on real life…enjoy, all the best!!