Ann’s story of hope and healing:
I am infertile.
Just wanted to get that out of the way.
It’s true.
Two and a half years and 9,000 tests and procedures later, we know. We’ve known since December 23, 2010 actually, but it takes a while to process something like that and really accept it.
I’ve grieved.
I’ve been in denial.
I’ve been angry.
I’ve legitimately thought that I could fix it if I tried hard enough.
Now, I just know.
photo credit halfpoint collection
Not long after I found out that my fallopian tubes were blocked due to endometriosis, I began delving into research about treatments for the inflammation and scarring that was rendering my tubes useless and keeping me from becoming a mom. I have tried special diets and supplements, seen multiple naturopaths, enrolled in a “yoga for fertility” class, had weekly Mayan abdominal massages, endured acupuncture and even completed 1 cycle of IVF.
I’ve learned a lot and I believe I’m mostly healthier for it, but I’m still not pregnant.
Here’s the biggest and most important lesson (of many) that I’ve learned: I can’t make myself pregnant by eating better, praying more, or generally trying harder. No amount of striving on my part will make me pregnant.
The horse is made ready for the day of battle, but the victory belongs to the LORD – Proverbs 21:31 (ESV)
While it is not wrong of me to prepare my horse (or in this case perhaps uterus?) for battle, the victory (or outcome) will always belong to the Lord. He is in control of this situation. I do not have to put my hope in my striving. That’s a good thing! I fail every day no matter how hard I try. I can never seem to consistently cut out all dairy, gluten, and soy for any substantial period of time. I do not do the massage and castor oil packs I’m supposed to every night. I can’t seem to remember the plethora of supplements I am supposed to take every day. The list of my shortcomings could go on forever.
The war horse is a false hope for salvation, and by its great might it cannot rescue. – Psalm 33:17 (ESV)
My striving can’t save me. I was hoping they would and they failed me again and again. I was putting my hope in my carefully prepared war horse, the wrong place. I am not healed and I may never be. I am not a perfect wife and I never will be. I am not a perfect homemaker/cook/dietitian and I never will be. I am not a mother and I may never be.
But, I AM God’s precious daughter.
He loves me and I am forgiven, perfect, and clean in his eyes through Jesus. Does that mean I am fine with being childless and suffering physical and emotional pain as a result of my disease? No, no, and no. I am not fine with it. It sucks. It is so awful and painful that sometimes I scream and cry and yell to God. But, this is the worst it will ever get for me. I’ll say it again. This is the worst that I will have to endure! This is the closest to hell I will ever be! And, God is with me right here in the thick of it.
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. – Psalm 34:18 (ESV)
Someday, I will be in heaven with Jesus and this will all be over. I won’t be in pain anymore and it won’t really matter that I was. Part of me can’t wait for that. That is where my hope should be. God is the only place for my hope.
At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life. – Titus 3:3-7 (NIV)
Healing doesn’t always mean that our dreams come true, but it does mean that we can feel healed in another way.
Ann blogs at http://www.annguthrie.com to share her and her husband’s story and hopefully give glory to God as He works in them and through them. As an update almost two years after this was first posted, it looks like Ann and her husband have been able to get pregnant (with twins!) during their 5th IVF attempt.
Homemade Taquitos (beef or chicken)
Thank you for sharing! I think we all struggle with our lack of control. We want to believe that, if we just do everything right, nothing bad will happen to us. You’ve placed you situation in God’s hands, and He will have something for you, even if it doesn’t involve having children.
Thank you for sharing this Ann! I was blessed to have a beautiful son when I was 19, the first month trying!! He is now 8 and I have never been able to conceive again. After years of knowing something was wrong I was diagnosed with PCOS. We took the fertility pills, I charted, tried special diets, took special supplements. In 2009 right before we had a scheduled IUI treatment we felt God told us this wasn’t the path He had for us and we pursued adoption. Really my husband had wanted to adopt for years, but I wanted another “biological” child. But God softened my heart and right now we have 3 beautiful children, our “home grown” son, and an almost 3 year old beautiful Ukrainian prince and 2 year old beautiful Ukrainian Princess. We are especially blessed with the fact that they both have Down Syndrome! Even during the process of their adoption I hoped in my heart we would conceive, because everyone who adopts gets pregnant, right? WRONG!!! We are now getting ready to travel to Latvia to bring home 2 more beautiful, precious boys ages 8 and 5, also blessed with that extra chromosome. If I didn’t have PCOS, would we have adopted? I can’t be sure, but to be honest, I don’t think so. I feel so blessed to have these amazing children, even if they didn’t come from my womb, because they came from my heart. PCOS has been a curse and blessing at the same time, it does suck as you said. I still cry some months when my period comes, I mourn the loss of my empty womb. And I can do everything right (which really I can’t), but I can’t open my womb, only God can! And He may for his own glory choose to keep it closed. But like you said, He loves me, He is comforting me, and I am perfect in His sight!!! Thank you for sharing this side of the infertility story, the side with the empty womb and empty nursery, but full of hope for our future with Jesus Christ!!!