How to survive infertility during the holidays


The holiday season can be one of the most bitter seasons of the year for those of us who are struggling with empty arms. Almost everything is geared toward family and children and the normal feelings of mourning for the things we’ve lost can take a depressing turn if we’re not careful.

How to Survive Infertility During the Holidays

Here are five tips to keep your holiday season beautiful:

1. Start making a list, right now, of things you are thankful for.

Grab a copy of One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp (on Amazon here) or just pick up a notebook and start listing the beautiful things in your life. They don’t have to be big, any simple little thing will work. I have notebooks filled with lists that look something like this:

25. cinnamon tea on cold days
26. a new calf in the barn
27. the smell of fresh apples
28. a new striped maxi skirt

Focusing on our blessings will automatically make every day better. I promise.

2. Create traditions

It’s easy to think, “Someday, when I have children…” and list off all the fun holiday traditions you want to do. Don’t. Nothing kills joy faster than wishing for something other than what you have. Celebrate today. Invent traditions that you can enjoy right now.

  • make a thanksgiving pie while watching a favorite movie 
  • exchange Christmas ornaments each year with a friend
  • go for “Christmas light drives” after dark
  • build a snowman (don’t forget the top hat!)
  • invite a few friends over for an adults-only candlelight dinner

3. Focus on others.

For years I tried to think ahead of time about ways to make the holiday season easier for myself. I’ll give you a little tip: this doesn’t work. You will never be happy when you’re focused on yourself. Instead, choose something you can do just for the pure pleasure of blessing others.

  • watch your friend’s children so they can go Christmas shopping
  • invite your nieces and nephews over to make Christmas cookies
  • work at a soup kitchen
  • visit a nursing home
  • show up on a friend’s doorstep with dinner and a board game
  • go shopping and put together as many boxes for Operation Christmas Child as possible

4. When you’re struck with sadness (and you will be), don’t get upset. Just deal with it and move on.

One Christmas Eve when we were getting ready to leave my brother’s house, his daughter, the one who looks just like me, came running over to tell us goodbye. “See my jammies,” she said, pointing to her inside out footie-pajamas, “when my mama was little she used to wear her pajamas inside out so it would snow for Christmas.”

She was all giggles and happiness but for some reason I was paralyzed with this deep, horrible sadness. I don’t have a daughter to celebrate fun little mommy-daughter memories with. I cried, right there with my niece’s chubby arms around my neck. She patted my cheeks and asked what was wrong and I just shrugged. My husband scooped her up and told her that sometimes aunties cry.

And it was okay.

It’s always okay to mourn.

Just don’t camp out there or you’ll miss the moments of beauty. 

Like when my husband and I walked outside that night and it was snowing, big fluffy white flakes. We stood for a moment and watched it swirl in past the bare branches of the maple tree in the front yard and he dryly commented, “Guess there’s something in that inside out pajama thing.” We burst into laughter and then twirled around the driveway in a mini-waltz with snowflakes coating our jackets and hair.  

5. Worship.

As a Christian, I believe that every day should be spent for the glory of God but during the holiday season it’s easy for me to get caught up in all the nostalgia and family celebrations and forget that it’s all about Him.

He is. Creator. Savior. King. And a holiday season that is spent worshiping Him will be a beautiful season indeed.  

When you’re feeling low, sad or hurting, put on some worship music. Stand quiet. Lift your hands in surrender. Praise Him.

It will heal you up, dear ones, when you look at who He is. Always good. Always full of love and grace. For in Him there is rest and peace and safety.


Tell me a favorite holiday tradition that you have or want to start!





author and blogger
Natasha is an author and blogger from a small farm in northern New York where she lives with her mechanic-husband and two miracle-children. In her newest book, Counting Grains of Sand: Learning to Delight in a Promise-Making God infertility, adoption, hope, and loss, all collide in this gentle story of how God built a family from splintered pieces and taught one woman how to hold onto faith and learn to delight in a God-Who-Speaks-Promises even while journeying through the wilderness of sorrow.
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  1. Jessica

    This….”Just don’t camp out there or you’ll miss the moments of beauty.” Wonderfully wise words! It’s so important to feel all the emotions but not get stuck in the miry pit.

  2. joanna n.

    thank you for this! so timely & very appropriate for my husband & i. as for traditions, my husband & i still are working on this, although your article has made me more determined than ever that we do need to start some now & not continue to wait till children come.

  3. Chrissy from Overweight... AND OVER IT!

    Thank you SO much for posting this, Natasha! You can never know exactly how much I needed it (and I will be reading it over and over again). I didn’t realize how much anxiety I’m holding inside about Christmas until I started reading and visualizing myself in this situation. I’ll face cousins who are pregnant (again), cousins who will be showing off their new baby, and aunts and uncles exuding the joys of being grandparents. And there I’ll be – trying to process the pain of 5 miscarriages, two surgeries in a year from Endometriosis, PCOS, pre-cancerous cells on my cervix, and starting discussions with my doctor about hysterectomy options.

    Through it all, I’ve placed God number one in my life, knowing in my soul that He’s brought me here for a reason. I know my story will help others. I know it’s going to work out so well. He knows the outcome and I trust Him. I just didn’t realize how hard this would really be. The reminders you listed were so timely and I WILL focus on my blessings and write them down! I will do things for others and enjoy every moment! I won’t harbor negative feelings towards others or treat anyone differently! I will praise and worship God through this adversity!!! <3

  4. Rhonda

    Best article I have ever read on this subject!

  5. Caroline

    Worship!! I love this!! When we praise the Lord we can’t focus on the negative, such good stuff!

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