This time of year can be hard on a broken, waiting heart. There is something magical about this season, and the weight of infertility seemingly strips away the magic and wonder of Christmas.
We see their smiles and hear their giggles, and we’re reminded of just how much Christmas spirit children bring to the world. We’re reminded of our own empty arms and quiet homes, and we see our stockings hanging lonely on the mantle. There are moments of joy and beauty, but there are few things that can soothe the ache in our hearts.
Over the past few Christmases my husband and I have been intentional to discover (and sometimes create) ways to nurse a waiting, hurting heart. I’d like to share those ideas with you, surviving infertility during the holidays is possible.
Five Ways to Nurse a Waiting, Hurting Heart
1. Count your blessings.
It sounds too simple, and a bit cliche, but sometimes it is in the darkest moments of grief and frustration that a tiny flame of hope and thanksgiving is kindled. This time of year I am keenly aware of what I don’t have: children filling my home with laughter and excitement. Bitterness is an easy response – it is familiar to my heart; but it is now, when I am tempted to that bitterness, that I must take inventory of the things for which I am thankful. From intangible things like fond childhood memories, to my most prized processions like the scrapbook I created of our first year of marriage, there are countless things for which I am immensely grateful, and I’d like to dwell on those things I have, rather than the things I don’t.
2. Have a strategy.
Last Christmas was tough, my husband’s cousin had just given birth to twins and I was scared I would have to see her and those precious newborn babes at Christmas. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to see them, but I was in such a dark place that I truly didn’t know if I could handle seeing everyone dote on those tiny babies.
I suspect you know your own vulnerabilities, you know what situations and which people have the potential to bring up that monster of bitterness and that cloud of depression. My challenge to you: go into the holiday season with a strategy of what you can say, where you can go, and how you can graciously escape those situations that are too much to bear. Don’t be afraid to be proactive in protecting your heart, but remember to offer kindness and to seek peace when you must excuse yourself from a conversation or situation.
3. Go see a kid movie.
I admit it can be pretty tough to be the only childless couple in a theater crowded with children. My husband and I squirm a bit at the beginning of movies because we feel out-of-place: two childless adults at the latest Disney Pixar film. But hearing the laughter of children in a dark movie theater will help you see the movie through the eyes of a child, and it is so much fun! Sometimes we just need to laugh heartily, without reservations, and the unreserved laughter of children is contagious and good for the soul.
4. Take a kid Christmas shopping.
It always saddens me that I won’t be helping a little one pick out Christmas presents for my husband. Several years ago I realized that I can experience this joy by investing my time and excitement into the lives of my friends’ children. I asked a sweet friend of mine if I could borrow her daughters for the day, and told her that I wanted to take them Christmas shopping. I treated them to dinner and took them to all of their favorite stores. Watching them debate about what to get for their mom and dad was refreshing to my spirit. We sang along to Christmas music, braved the cold weather, and had fun wrapping presents. It was truly the highlight of my holiday season.
5. Invest in the life of a child.
There are so many ways to invest in the life of a child. Many families sponsor children all year round through World Vision, Compassion International, or a similar ministry. Operation Christmas Child, Angel Tree, and other seasonal ministries allow us to impact a child’s life specifically during the Christmas season. I think it is important to remember that there are children who need a positive, loving influence in their lives, and not just at Christmas. It is hard to be childless during the holiday season, but there is a peace that comes in knowing that I’ve invested my time and energy into the life of a child who is also hurting during the holidays. Helping with homework, stringing popcorn garland, and going to look at Christmas lights, are simple ways to impact a child, and there’s a good chance they will impact your heart as much or more as you impact theirs.
What about you? How do you protect your heart and embrace joy in spite of infertility? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Cinnamon and Spice Hot Cocoa
Thank you so much for posting this. My husband and I have been dealing with infertility for over three years now. We actually are seeking out medical interventions and will be starting IVF in the new year, after 6 IUIs with a miscarriage in June. I’m going home for Christmas and my cousin is just a few months pregnant so this list helped to remind me not to let bitterness creep into my heart. It can easily make it’s way there but I do need to count my blessings. I have so much to be thankful for. Thank you once again for sharing!!
Hi Holly,
I am so sorry for your loss – I also suffered a miscarriage this year after our 3rd IUI, it is so painful. I know for me the challenge is just being intentional and faithful to combat the bitterness and frustration. Sometimes I need an attitude adjustment and I’m just not willing! I’m super thankful for grace, and for a husband who lovingly reminds me that my worth and value are not found in my ability or inability to have a baby. That reminder always helps.
Prayers for you this holiday season.
Thank you for sharing! my hubby and I have been dealing with infertility for 5 and a half years and have tried a couple of medical things, but both times have failed. we hope to next year start IVF treatments. I have a friend who is so very dear to me, she just found out she is pregnant and I am so excited for her. in nursing my heart, instead of focusing on my pain of waiting i focus on those who who are pregnant and share in their excitment and I also babysit for a friend who has a 4 month old boy and he is such a cutie pie and those are a couple of ways I get through as i continue to pray and wait on God to bless my hubby and I will a baby.
Julia you are an inspiration! For SO LONG I avoided pregnant women and babies as much as I could because I was just too bitter. I’m ashamed to admit it, but it is true. I hope you enjoy the time spent with your little cutie pie, while you wait on God’s timing and will.
Merry Christmas!
Hi Amanda! My name is Mary Carver, and I work for ForEveryMom.com, a Christian parenting site. I really appreciate this post – so beautiful but also practical and compassionate.
I would love to share this post with our readers at ForEveryMom.com. With your permission, I’d like to republish this post, giving you full credit as author, linking back to the original post here, and including your bio and head shot. What do you think??
Hi Mary! This is Donielle, the owner and editor over here at NFW. I’d love to chat with you more about this, can you send me an email to donielle AT naturallyknockedup.com? Thanks!