When I first discovered I had Endometriosis, I experienced a sense of shame. I felt embarrassed, somehow “dirty” about having it. I didn’t want to share it with anyone. Not even my close friends. It felt like a taboo topic, an area of the body we don’t want to talk about – let alone talk about when there is a problem with it!
The funny thing is, the more resentment I felt about it and the more shame and hiding of it that I did, the more the pain of it just seem to swell up and want to shout out to the world. It was saying: “Hey, don’t forget about me! I am here and I want the world to know!”.
For years, I hid it. I hid it from my classmates, my school teachers and then my bosses and my work colleagues. It was embarrassing to tell people about what it was, let alone having to explain that it might affect my fertility. It seemed to reach down, deep inside of me and tap into every emotion about myself. My womanhood, my femininity and the strength of who I was.
photo credit – Viktor Solomin on canva.com
If you have Endometriosis, you might be able to relate to what I am saying.
I think Endometriosis has a way of grabbing us. Holding us in a place which reaches and touches the most inner part of our being. – I am not just talking physically here! It has targeted that very space, that area within us, that holds dear our most feminine and defining aspects of who we are.
It is as if the Endometriosis is trying to draw attention to our inner most selves.
When I finally “came out” and shared about my personal experience with Endometriosis, I realized I wasn’t alone in these thoughts or within this fearful and lonely space. I figured out that there were so many women with whom I could share my journey and find a place of healing, nurturing and self-love again.
A large part of me felt broken. I felt like that endless need to fix things, to make things perfect and that terrible critical eye on my own self was somehow all related. It was as if the Endometriosis was a reflection of how I felt about myself, deep down.
I began to heal, not so much the Endometriosis directly but rather the thoughts around it. The negativity, the self bashing, the endless critical seeker who believed that nothing was ever good enough. I began to accept and stopped fighting. I began to simply live and let things go. I let go of my dire need to be perfect. I began to accept that on occasion the Endometriosis would flare up. I no longer fought with it and argued with it to go away, but rather I just let it sit there, within its painful glory and wallow in itself. I stopped blaming myself for having Endometriosis. I stopped being angry with my body and calling it pathetic and weak! I just stopped it all. I just gave myself a real opportunity to love. Love myself and accept everything about me. Strangely, that feeling of broken is no longer there.
I think Endometriosis really touches women in a very deep way. A way in which they will question everything about themselves and the feminine aspects within them. I think it affects us so deeply because it has found its way into our most sacred part of our bodies.
What I want to share with you is that we should no longer hide it or try to fight with it but rather, come to a place where we can love and accept it within ourselves. We can know that our bodies have the knowledge to heal and the amazing gifts within nature can give us the right tools to do that.
Trust in your own self, love your own self and let go of the pain of it all.
My friend had endo for decades and became infertile from it, after 2 kids. She desperately wanted a lot of kids. Finally in her mid-5os, she had her uterus out. She fought that need to get it removed for 2 decades. She had not just the physical pain but the emotional pain you describe. Endo is an awful disorder.
It certainly can be but I like to see the blessings in it too 🙂
Such a beautiful story! It truly is amazing how feminine disorders can open us up to how we really feel in our own skin. So glad you have been able to find healing! Keep shining your light!
Thank you Elle 🙂 It is a great way to reconnect with ourselves and all the women around us too. Thank you for your support!