I want to preface this post just by saying that I don’t intend to up and leave my blog. My heart has just been a touch heavy and I have a few things to say……
It’s been a very long while since I’ve worn my heart on my virtual sleeve, and in many ways I feel like I’ve needed to hide a large part of myself from you as I deal with both some inner turmoil and confusion about where God may be directing this blog. You see, just one year ago I was gaining and growing. I had dreams and aspirations over where this blog may head, what I wanted to offer, a growing network of friends who wanted to support my work. My readership was growing, numbers and stats steadily climbing.
But none of it was mine.
It wasn’t mine to grow, it wasn’t mine to lead. My words are not my own. What has been given to me can be taken away, because it is not mine, but all I have belongs to the Lord. Even a silly little blog.
Transparency is not something I feel comfortable with, but I need to be open, my friends, to lighten my load of the things that have weighed me down, the things that have cluttered my heart.
To be free. To feel free.
Reminiscent of when I was 16 and had this sinking feeling that life just wasn’t what I pictured, that my story was changing it’s course, such has this year been for me. That shattering feeling when I was told by my best friends that they were too busy to hang out on a particular summer afternoon, only to see them together later, without me, has come rushing back this summer.
In order to keep every part of this blog my own, I had to walk away from ‘promised’ success and money. I feel at peace with my decision, but unfortunately the result was a great divide between some really great people. Like an old school friend, I shall always miss the camaraderie between people who shared the same passion.
The Lord is always faithful of course and I do have a wonderful group of Christian women bloggers that through similar circumstances have been where I’ve been. The discussions and prayer that we share do wonders for my soul.
I’ve also realized so much this last year why so many bloggers up and quit or pull away from their online presence, as I’ve had to deal with the stress of running a business (keeping up with writing, contacting and dealing with advertisers/companies, figuring out legal and financial options…) and the issue of dealing with criticism.
- I’ve been told I would fall flat on my face and lose money because no one would support me.
- I’ve been told I’m not “Christian” enough because of the name of my blog. Even at the wonderful Christian bloggers conference I attended the name of my blog was not announced out loud when I won a prize. Stings a tad to be honest.
- On the other hand I’ve been told that I’m to Christian and that God has no place on a blog about fertility.
- That by charging for the workshop that can take hours out of my day, that I had to spend to get and keep going, buy software for, hire editors and designers for, that I’m being greedy. The workshop that kept me up until 2 am most nights for almost 3 months. That I have no right to charge readers for such things.
- That my blog isn’t nourishing enough because I have recipes for desserts and pasta.
- That my ideas of food are to “out there” because I eat organic and because I drink raw milk. That I’m “setting my children up for eating problems” because they eat gluten free.
It’s tiring and I’m tired.
I’m tired of being “on” all the time. Comments, e-mails, tweets, and facebook messages keep a constant stream of requests for my attention like a swollen river in the spring. I’m tired of constantly checking stats and pageviews, Alexa and google rankings, and checking blog traffic reports. I’m tired of the busyness it has caused in my life and the sad state of affair my home remains in for much of the day because I need to be in front of the computer instead of taking care of my kitchen or tending to the precious little lives God has so graciously given me responsibility of.
But you know what? I can no longer let someone else’s ideas and “law” give me guilt. My online relationships, or any earthy relationship for that matter, can not be what I look to for validation. It doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks. This is my blog. It is my creative outlet, my journey of growth, and is in fact a dictatorship.
Most people do things quietly in their own home, I live some of my life for you to see and to share in. It would be unfair to you if I only let you see days where the sun rays are so bright and the birds are chirping. We live in a fallen world not always in sunshine and roses. Sometimes the storms come and create a muddy mess, sometimes the winds come and change the landscape forever. To understand me, sometimes I need you to see these pieces of my life. Pieces of me. For me to be honest. To be freed from the constant feelings of pressure and inadequacy. To finally release the burdens so that I can heal and focus on what the Lord has in store for me, my family, my home, and yes – even my blog.
I feel in the midst of change, in the midst of a windstorm. I just don’t know which way I’m blowing or where I will stop.
The good thing about hitting a crisis point, is that the Lord always meets us in our dark place so that we are never without light.